The 2024 College Football Playoff rankings that will make everyone happy

The Ducks haven’t lost a game. You deserve to be at the top.

Texas is the best team that has only lost one game. They come second. Glen Powell, if you’re reading this, hello.

Penn State is the second-best team that has only lost one game. You come third.

Notre Dame isn’t as good as Texas or Penn State, but they are the second-best team with a loss.

SMU and Indiana are basically the same, but we will rely on the committee’s preference in determining their quality as a losing team. It doesn’t matter.

Indiana is coming here. Light up the metaphorical cigarettes (just not the real ones, because they’re bad for you).

Boise State has Ashton Jeanty and he’s fun. This is a team that has only suffered one defeat.

Army only lost one game. It goes here. Sorry, other teams.

Georgia is the best team with two defeats. They would be higher, but they lost two games, not one. That has to count for something.

Ohio State comes here because, like Georgia, it lost two games instead of one.

Tennessee somehow lost to Georgia and Arkansas, but it’s still a good two-loss team and gets its best off the glass.

Miami goes here having only lost two games. The committee made a mistake in ranking Alabama ahead of them in the latest rankings because the Crimson Tide suffered three losses instead of two. We’re not sure if this is a typo or not. But two is less than three, so this is where Miami comes from. Some may think three is less than two, but that is wrong.

Arizona State lost two games instead of three like Alabama, so here goes.

Iowa State also lost two games instead of three like Alabama, so here goes.

Again, BYU lost two games instead of three like Alabama, so here goes.

UNLV lost two games like the others instead of three like Alabama, so here goes.

Once again, Memphis lost two games instead of three like Alabama, so here goes. Fun fact: It won the “Battle of the Bones” rib trophy this year.

Hypothetically, Louisiana lost two games instead of three like Alabama, so here goes. Did you know Louisiana was 10-2? We didn’t do it. It should have a ranking.

Alabama goes here because, again, it has lost three times. Three. Three games.

Ole Miss has also lost three times but is not as good as Alabama. However, it wins in the red Solo Cup stakes.

Basically the same logic here. Three losses for South Carolina, but they’re not as good as the other two.

Tyler from Spartanburg can take a tranquilizer; Clemson is here with its three losses.

Missouri is here because it lost three games, even if it feels like it lost more.

The same goes for Illinois, but they should be deducted a win because of those ugly retro jerseys.

Fran Brown, you will take a shower of victory. Your team with three losses rounds out the list.

Diego Pavia and the Commodores receive the 26th honorary selection despite losing six games. I don’t make the rules. Vanderbilt is fun this year. Touch grass.