NOTE: Avoid food theft and long lines with Grubhub – The Cavalier Daily

Editor’s Note: This article is a humor column.

Dear advice columnist Tara Pitz,

My name is Olive and I am a first year engineering student. When I’m not busy learning how to build bridges or using my course load to fuel my superiority complex, I’m increasingly concerned about the sustainability of ordering food via Grubhub. After the university added meal tickets to Subway, the hours-long lines make me wonder if I should have placed my sandwich order when I submitted my college application. To make matters worse, I’ve heard rumors of food theft.

The problem is that Grubhub is my go-to when Newcomb, O’Hill, or Runk just can’t get it done – which happens multiple times a day. How can I avoid the long lines and prevent my food from being stolen?

Sincerely,

Olive Eten

Dear Olive,

First, I just want to empathize with you and show you that you are not alone. Other first-graders, third-graders, and even 25-year-old fifth-graders who pay mortgages have approached me with similar complaints. Buying groceries on Grubhub is a cornerstone of our time at university, and it’s difficult when the ordering process doesn’t go smoothly. To that end, I’ve put together three completely sensible and ethical tips to help you deal with your problems.

Bribe the workers

The university doesn’t care about the terribly long subway queues – you have to take matters into your own hands. Next time, before your finger hits the purple “I’m here” button, slide a bill to the employee behind the counter. It could be a one, a five, a ten, a Monopoly 10 – the amount itself doesn’t matter because you would probably still give them a better salary than the university administration. And if you’re wondering whether bribery is actually enough, just throw in a “thank you” for good measure. This simple phrase has become a rarity in restaurants across the property. Most restaurant workers are so unaccustomed to the genuine appreciation of university students that they will bend over backwards to help you, either out of gratitude or as a reflex to avoid angry students who shout “Hurry up.”

If someone tries to steal your food, blackmail them!

Unfortunately, the food theft cases you’ve heard about are more than just rumors. The Honor Committee always says that the greatest sign of our community of trust is that you can leave your backpack anywhere, but good luck leaving your Grubhub order out in the open. The university has attempted to respond to this issue with food lockers at select locations around Grounds, but most locations frequented by students still do not have these installed. What should we do? Next time you see a petty thief stealing your order, stop and pull out your phone. Stalk them throughout the day and take incriminating photos of them in compromising situations, like refilling their drink at the Subway pharmacy or checking in at Chick-fil-A in Gilmer. Your food may be gone, but you have the ideal blackmail to use as you wish. Your personal henchman will now deliver all your orders and protect your groceries from future thefts. You are forever subject to your will. Remember that blackmail is only unethical under the principles of the Honor Code if you get caught.

Scream it out…

The hassle with Grubhub is definitely frustrating when you have numerous exams, projects, and work to complete. I know that, like all of us, you have been hoping for more local support to help manage stress. But who needs more mental health resources on college campuses when deleting Instagram or YikYak would solve all of our problems? But until that happens, I suggest an alternative – hysterical crying. Even if this doesn’t really solve your academic problems—believe me, I’ve tried—it does cause a surprising amount of concern among those around you. All you have to do is fall to your knees in front of the food counter, stretch your arms out into the dim fluorescent light as tears stream down your face, and repeat the phrase “Why, God, why?” Of course, you’ll have to endure a few seconds of public humiliation, but by default you’ll be first in line. At this point you can even “accidentally” retrieve someone else’s order. Don’t worry about whether this would be seen as a violation of the honor code – if something does happen, you can send your former blackmail victim to the guillotine in your place.

Okay, I know what you must be thinking at this point. Bribery and extortion are “technically” crimes in Virginia. However, I urge you to think long term – just 32 more and you could be elected to the highest political office in the land. And if you shy away from emotional manipulation, rest easy knowing that you can invalidate other people’s feelings about betrayal simply by calling them a “snowflake.” All of this advice was also confirmed by the honorary committee. Good luck – I hope you have great success in your future Grubhub endeavors.

Sincerely,

Tara Pitz