To help someone in crisis, use these 7 words

When writer Kelly Corrigan’s daughters became teenagers, Corrigan was ready to help them with the problems and needs of this delicate time. When one of her girls came home from school angry and upset, she would have ideas about how to deal with bullying, rejection, or whatever the problem might be.

It wasn’t always well received: “Their emotions would change, going from something raw to something tired and distant and then wandering away,” said Corrigan, host of the PBS interview series Tell me moretold on NPR’s TED radio lesson.

One day her daughter Georgia called crying. Corrigan happened to be in the car with a friend who was training to be a therapist, so she turned on the speaker.

Georgia said she hated sixth grade. All the girls in the class turned against her for no reason.

Corrigan’s friend whispered, “Say, ‘Tell me more.'” Corrigan repeated to her daughter, “Tell me more.”

Georgia continued to complain.

“Say, that sounds really hard,” the therapist-in-training whispered. “That sounds so harsh,” Corrigan told Georgia.

“It is!” Georgia replied. And instead of shutting down like usual, the sixth grader continued to open up to her mother. Corrigan says this other way of communicating was simple but shockingly effective.

If a family member or friend is struggling emotionally, using phrases like these can create a deeper connection and is far more powerful than giving advice, says Corrigan.

Corrigan has spent years talking about families—her own and many others—on her PBS show, her podcast, and in her four best-selling books. She gave a TED talk about having the courage to respond with humility when a loved one is in crisis, meaning we must put aside our own ideas for solving their problems.

Here are some of the lessons she offered on a recent episode of TED radio lesson.

1. Hold off on offering a solution

Corrigan says it can be “kind of humiliating” when someone brings their problem to you and you just solve it right away. “Because basically the underlying message is, what are you so upset about? It’s not that hard to figure out,” Corrigan says.

Now, when a loved one is struggling, they imagine themselves rummaging through a jewelry box full of intricate necklaces, bracelets, and earrings. “And there is tremendous satisfaction in separating all of these things once and for all,” she says. Corrigan says that the person having problems should feel the satisfaction of having solved their problem, not you as the helper.

“You have to decide that their needs are the priority,” she says.

2. Use these seven words instead

To be most helpful to the people in your life who want to open up to you, all you need to do is say a few sentences, says Corrigan:

• “Tell me more.”
• “Keep going …”
• “What else?”

These words give them space to tell their story and feel loved and accepted, no matter how difficult the things they want to share are. “Those seven words alone can get you pretty far in life,” says Corrigan.

3. Practice emotional hospitality

Love is not a one-size-fits-all solution, says Corrigan. For example, if you care for children, remember that not all children (or adults) like to be hugged. “If I were to custom design a feeling for you, what shape would it be? “What would it sound like?” Corrigan asks.

But don’t pressure yourself to say exactly the right thing when someone expresses their pain, she says. Instead, practice “emotional hospitality,” where you create a calming atmosphere with your presence and invite the other person to open up: “Tell me something. I am here.”

And then, she says, really listen. “So few people like to listen,” Corrigan notes. “Most people, it seems, love to talk.”

4. Tune in – Love can be calm and still

Corrigan says when things get tough for a loved one, she feels a strong urge to go into action mode. “Everything in me wants to grab a clipboard, make a to-do list and start calendaring appointments,” she says.

One day, when her father was just days away from the end of his life, Corrigan noticed that he seemed upset. Fighting the urge to call a nurse or tell him to go to sleep, she simply sat there and tried to adjust to his mood. And he started talking about the regrets of his life, little things that still weighed on him. For example, he didn’t visit his brother-in-law often enough when he was sick. He should have named a kid after his lacrosse coach who helped him avoid getting kicked out of college.

Instead of reassuring him or downplaying his concerns, she listened.

The idea, she says, is to telegraph to them: “I will take up this matter with you. I will reflect your seriousness. And maybe that can give you peace of mind.” And it worked. “He leaned back on his pillow and said: I’m fine, lovey. That’s good for today” Corrigan recalls.

It was a gift for her, she says. It gave her the chance to love him the way he needed to be in that moment.

“Personally, I thought love meant action. I had no idea it could be so quiet.”

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