Can one achieve wholeness through self-marriage?

Self-marriage has been gaining attention recently, especially after Britney Spears made headlines last month for reminding her followers of the time in 2022 when she married herself. To better understand what self-marriage is really about, I spoke to author Sasha Cagen, a pioneer in the self-marriage movement who has accompanied many people on the journey of self-commitment. Here is what she shared about the benefits and purpose of self-marriage.

Annie Chen: Could you briefly explain what self-marriage is?

Sasha Cagen: Self-marriage is a healing ritual in which a person makes personal vows of self-acceptance, self-respect, and self-care. It’s a deeply personal commitment that’s similar to a traditional marriage, but instead of promising something to another person, you make those promises to yourself. Some call it a “soul commitment” or “self-commitment.”

It is not tied to state or religious institutions, so everyone can decide for themselves what they want to call it and whether they want to celebrate the commitment publicly or privately. You can marry yourself by lighting a candle and reading vows to yourself in front of a mirror, or you can do it as a large or small celebration with friends as witnesses.

AC: How did you become a pioneer of this movement?

SC: By chance, I became a pioneer of self-marriage. I didn’t grow up expecting to marry myself or guide others to do so. The idea came to me at the age of 29 and it has been part of my life ever since.

I first wrote about self-marriage in my 2004 book: Quirkyalone: ​​A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics. While working on the book, I interviewed two Bay Area women, both artists. They had married to break the patterns of losing themselves in relationships. For them, marrying themselves was about establishing a secure connection with their own needs and desires before choosing to marry someone else.

AC: What typically makes people consider self-marriage?

SC: Some people are drawn to self-marriage as a way to celebrate themselves when they have not yet found a life partner. Others may be tired of losing themselves in relationships and want to take time for self-discovery and explore what it’s like to be in a sacred relationship with themselves.

I talked about self-marriage Dr. Phil last year. For a majority of Gen Z viewers of all genders, the concept seems to make perfect sense. Young people today have grown up in times where their mental health has been challenging due to the rise of social media and the pandemic. Aside from finding a wealth of trauma-healing content on platforms like Instagram and TikTok, self-marriage just seems completely logical to them.

AC: What led you to this decision when you got married yourself?

SC: When I turned 40, it suddenly made sense to marry myself. I had a boyfriend at the time, but marrying myself felt like a meaningful way to celebrate my 40th birthday.

Previously, I had looked within and faced things from my past that I had never spoken about before. I looked at the impact of keeping my childhood sexual trauma a secret for decades. The shame had kept me from fully opening myself to love, and I was working hard to heal from it.

Marrying myself became a wonderful way to honor the trauma healing and self-acceptance work I had done. It was a creative and concrete way to celebrate and embrace all parts of myself. Carrying out the ceremony in the Japanese Garden in Buenos Aires gave it an additional ritual touch and made it exciting, entertaining and creative. It is a memory that will always be close to my heart.

AC: When Britney Spears announced she was marrying herself in 2022, she was still married. Can self-marriage coexist with a traditional marriage?

SC: Absolutely. Most people who get married themselves are interested in dating or getting married. You can marry yourself and another person, just as you can have sex with yourself and sex with another person.

Often, marrying yourself can make you a better partner. When you learn to love yourself, you also learn to love someone else. I helped a woman marry herself and she told me that the process helped her avoid divorce from her husband and stay together.

AC: What advice would you give Britney Spears as she celebrates her self-marriage?

SC: Celebrate it to the fullest, Britney! Make it a daily ritual with activities that honor and care for you. Buy nice journals and pens and write in them often. Use self-marriage as an opportunity to learn skills and practice self-compassion so that you can be your own best friend as much as possible. Developing your relationship with yourself is the greatest investment you can make in your present and future.

AC: Why is this practice called “self-marriage” when marriage refers to a union between two beings? Is it a gimmick?

SC: We call it self-marriage because society sees “marriage” as important. So the use of the term is intended to indicate that it is also very important to have a good relationship with yourself. If we didn’t use this term, it probably wouldn’t seem so important. The writing of the vows and the arrangement of the ceremony are usually done with great sincerity.

AC: What are some common rituals or vows in a self-wedding ceremony?

SC: Vows offer people the opportunity to express specifically how they want to treat themselves. Common themes I’ve heard in people’s vows include a commitment to speaking kindly to yourself, seeing yourself as a whole, dancing often, recognizing your own beauty, and remembering that change is the only constant in life. Some people choose to have additional rituals such as an engagement, honeymoon, or post-party reception. But the core is always the vows.

AC: How do people maintain these commitments once they have taken the vows?

SC: Just as it’s not always easy to keep promises in a relationship with someone else, it can also be difficult to keep the promises you make to yourself. In fact, many people find it more difficult to keep promises to themselves than to hold themselves accountable to others.

Here’s my advice for self-married newlyweds: Prioritize a daily routine of rituals that help you reconnect with yourself – by reflecting on your life, your intentions, and your relationship with yourself. Accept that you may drift and not always keep your vows, and that’s okay. Just be gentle with yourself and come back and recommit.

AC: What psychological or emotional changes have you observed in people who marry themselves?

SC: Personally, I have learned to care for myself when triggered and have the ability to communicate openly and honestly with a partner.

For some, it’s a reminder that they can be whole on their own and don’t have to rely on a romantic partner or anyone else to be happy. I have seen women stand up for themselves and become less willing to accept abuse from a partner after they get married. They felt like they deserved more respect.

Some have done things they never imagined, like traveling alone in their 40s, because they learned to better value their own dreams and felt empowered to embrace new experiences.

AC: What steps would you suggest people inspired by the idea of ​​self-marriage explore?

SC: First, think about what self-marriage means to you. Keep a journal of what vows you would make to yourself and what a ceremony might look like. Consider sharing your ideas with a trusted friend or seeking coaching support.

AC: Is self-marriage only for women?

SC: Not at all. People of any gender can marry themselves. Men who marry themselves may face greater stigma because introspection and self-love are not typically associated with masculinity. But men could also benefit greatly from self-marriage. They too have broken hearts and a desire to heal from past traumas. To the men who are interested: I encourage you to give it a try.

To learn more about Sasha Cagen’s self-marriage and coaching programs, you can visit her website or sign up for her newsletter.