Confession cannot replace therapy – and that’s the point

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You never know how long you will wait in line for the sacrament of confession. Sometimes there’s a line of six or seven people in front of you, but less than 20 minutes later you’re in the confessional. Sometimes you are next, but it takes an hour before you speak to the priest.

In some parishes I’ve been to, I’ve seen a hastily printed sign on a door that says, “Please do not hold Confession longer than 10 minutes.” If you plan to stay longer, please reach out the priest to arrange an alternative confessional date.” I would imagine that the main goal of such signs is to address the problem I just described – the seemingly endless amount of time spent in the pews trying to find a place in the to clear the confessional. The number of Catholics who go to confession regularly has already fallen sharply; It’s better not to scare off some of the latecomers by making the experience feel more like a visit to the DMV than spiritual nourishment.

But instructions like these have another blessing: They invite us to resist the temptation to turn the confessional into the therapist’s couch, a place where you show up, discuss your problems, and hopefully, given enough time, gets right to the heart of the matter Why Things keep going wrong.

I don’t say this to disparage therapy (or spiritual direction, for that matter), to suggest that confession is better than therapy, or that you don’t need therapy if you go to confession. I have seen many Catholics make such claims, and they make exactly the same mistake that I am claiming here: that confession and therapy are essentially the same thing. While they are complementary practices, treating one as interchangeable with the other risks shortchanging both.

Redefining all sorts of things through the therapist’s lens is a challenge right now. It’s hard to go anywhere without seeing words like narcissistic or sociopathic used in places where you might as well say it egocentric or awful. There are many cases where this type of realignment is safe or even good. It could definitely be beneficial to repackage things like eating good food and taking time to rest and do the things you enjoy Self-care.

However, this practice often proves to be unhelpful and can even cause harm. Take, for example, the kind of anti-racist advocacy that can lead white people to prioritize examining their own internalized biases and privilege, in addition to actually making concrete reparations for people of color. Or consider climate advocacy, which focuses solely on examining one’s personal “relationship with the Earth” while failing to mention the need for large, global solutions to actually solve the problem.

Now you, of course should Question your own prejudices. You should Think deeply and critically about your relationship with creation. You should Spend time examining yourself and identifying (perhaps with the help of a therapist!) areas in your own life that need healing, improvement, or simply better understanding. But focusing all your energy on these exercises is not the right way: it can quickly lead to short-sightedness and navel-gazing. Or, to use a therapeutic term, it can become Ruminationsomething most therapists would agree is not good for mental health.

I will return to the sacrament of confession and refer to the “Twelve Steps” of Alcoholics Anonymous. What one does in therapy or a therapy-like setting fits pretty well with Step 4: “Take a thorough and fearless moral inventory of yourself.” But confession is far better summarized with Step 5: “Confess to God, to yourself and to another person the exact nature of one’s own wrong.”

The confessional is where you begin to deal with all the things that come your way after Take a personal inventory of your mistakes and shortcomings. It’s not the therapist’s couch: It’s the hallway that leads you out of the office and back into your life.

One of the great graces of the Sacrament of Reconciliation is that it is a school in which one learns to apologize well, which is surprisingly difficult. We all recognize a good apology when we hear it, but at least for myself, crafting a good apology can be difficult. It’s easy to apologize, shift blame, or downplay the harm you’ve caused. Looking someone in the eyes and simply saying, “I wronged you, I’m sorry, I’ll do everything I can to make it right,” is an extremely unpleasant thing.

And yet that is what we are asked to do in confession. The act of repentance leaves no room for the kind of rationalization we might want to use to save face, protect our fragile egos, or simply to understand our own mistakes: “In choosing to do wrong, and in failing to do good.” “I have sinned against you, whom I should love above all else.” And here’s the bottom line: God’s forgiveness will come once you have spoken your mind. This is not a guarantee that you can find it everywhere or from everyone.

When you go to confession, if you let it, you become a person who is good at apologizing, a person who admits his wrongs and makes repentance and reparation, in a context of You know you’ll get him what you came for (if you will). You do all the actions of an apology—preparing what you’re going to say, looking another person in the eyes, and forcing those harsh words out—but you can do it with someone you know will accept it becomes: God.

By becoming the kind of person who not only fearlessly takes moral stock but also admits his wrongs before God and another human being, you can also become the kind of person who Step 9: Make Direct Amends to Man, to whom you have caused harm. I think this is the grace that God pours out in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

This article also appears in the November 2024 issue of US Catholic (Vol. 89, No. 11, pages 31-35). Click here to subscribe to the magazine.

Image: Unsplash/Annie Spratt