I can’t stand Elf on the Shelf

So far, so scary. But it gets worse. It could be a blatant violation of the Trade Descriptions Act if the elf isn’t actually sitting on a shelf but rather roaming around the house causing havoc. The fun or the headache begins every evening when the head elf manipulator has to create a new picture of mischief that the little guy is supposed to have caused, which is discovered in the morning by his DD or DS (“dear daughter” or “dear son”) . Everyone. Evening.

There are countless suggestions as to what his or her elves – this is equal rights anger – might have done. They range from filling a sink with miniature marshmallows and leaving the elf for a spa day to “number two in a candle,” as one website puts it, and having the elf sit on a candle with a few strategically placed Chocolate chips. Others include throwing rainbow sprinkles on the kitchen counter and getting the elf to form a “snow angel” – and a big fucking mess – or going crazy with some stickers on the TV screen, and my only advice here is you have to then take it off the next evening. How hilarious.

Or how about peas to spell out “Oops, I made myself a pea” and have the elf sit on a little pile of peas? Lol! Not. Anyone who has ever watched Chef Carmy use tweezers to shape peas into a straight line while plating The bear knows there’s nothing funny about getting little green balls to work together.

Without wanting to start a gender war, I’m assuming that the majority of this extra work will fall on the woman in the house, because that’s exactly what happens so often. The question of which adult bears the brunt of the Scout Elf nonsense hasn’t yet made it into the UK social attitudes survey, but considering most respondents last year said that women still do the majority of the cleaning and do the cooking, I doubt the answer would surprise anyone.

On behalf of everyone who is already tired of shopping for gifts, untangling tree lights and rolling out dough for mince pies, I say: enough is enough. If you like elves, stick with JRR Tolkien, or for a Christmas touch I recommend Lauren Child’s Think like an elfwith Clarice Bean, some elf-themed tea towels and zero shelves. Christmas is stressful enough without having to look for more.