Miss Manners: We get it, the holidays are busy…if you can’t come to our party, that’s okay

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, my wife and I have hosted a large, somewhat elaborate holiday open house with lots of home-cooked meals, champagne, activities and accommodations for children. We often had more than 50 people present.

It’s expensive and more than a little work, but we enjoy the result. We see it as a gift to our friends and a way to maintain friendships with people we may not be able to visit during the year. We are really happy to host and consider it a privilege.

We don’t expect people to reciprocate, nor do we expect gifts, although we do accept donations of champagne or any drink (there’s only so much a host can do, right?). It’s truly a case of everyone having a good time and it’s fun for us to make it happen.

My complaint is not directed at people who don’t respond. Let’s face it: this ship sailed a long time ago. Although many people didn’t respond, we’ve done a good job over the years of managing our expectations so that we don’t run out of food or end up with huge portions left over. (If someone doesn’t respond and doesn’t attend for several years, we’ll simply remove them from the invitation list without any concerns.)

Instead, I have a problem with people who respond but say things like, “Oh, it’s such a busy time for us and we have so much to do, blah, blah, blah, and we’ll probably be back.” I was out of town that day and I just don’t know how I’m going to make it work, but we’ll try to come if we can.”

I find that downright insulting. My wife and I recognize that the holidays are a busy time, especially for large families and for people in certain jobs. But I can’t understand why people react as if we’ve now added an extra, unbearable chore to their already overcrowded vacation to-do list, or that they’re doing us a favor by adding this extra burden would take.

We get it – the holidays are busy and you can’t make it! Come on, don’t come – we’re okay with it either way and we still love you. But please don’t act like we’re pressuring you into an unbearable commitment.

Gentle Reader: The ship that sailed appears to have been part of a whole fleet of departing courtesies. We congratulate you and your wife on your ability to plan a large party without knowing how many people will attend.

Everyone else Miss Manners hears from thinks this is a logistical nightmare; Therefore, etiquette requires that answers be given quickly and clearly. That and because ignoring an offer of hospitality is insulting.

But you are remarkably tolerant – or perhaps just realistic – about the state of today’s mores. You don’t expect your invitations to be accepted. You don’t expect your guests to reciprocate your hospitality. They only object to hesitant answers.

In fact, all of these failures have the same cause: a lack of respect for the host. But dithering is easiest to manage: just interrupt it with holiday wishes and a “We hope you can make it,” or, if you’re really upset, “I’m sorry you can’t make it.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners on her website. www.missmanners.com; to your email, [email protected]; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)