Streaming Betrayals and Mealtime Boundaries

Dear Eric:

My husband of six months and I do pretty much everything together. I recommended that we watch a Netflix series together and we both became deeply engrossed.

The other night I was tired from my day at work and he suggested I go to bed early. He mentioned finishing the last episode since it had just started. I said that sounds good. I woke up over two hours later to drink some water and there he was, still awake, five episodes later when we left off.

In fact, he had actually completed all of the episodes for that season.

This makes me feel unusually hurt. I feel somehow cheated. When I tried to explain, he apologized, but I still feel really hurt by it. It’s not so much about sitting there and watching a show, but about the fact that we had a shared experience and it felt kind of ruined. One of the reasons this time was important to me is that he always proudly emphasized that “we do everything together.”

But now he says I’m being petty and making too much of it, and he even said he now refuses to watch again. Can you help me figure out what’s going on here?

– Switched off

Dear voter:

Many couples have found themselves in arguments worthy of a Grey’s Anatomy subplot because of what I call “streaming cheating.” As with you, one person sneaks ahead in the queue without the other person. It’s an epidemic.

And that’s partly because these streaming services were created with the express purpose of enticing us to keep watching. It’s the way the episodes start back to back and even the fact that some series always end with breathtaking cliffhangers. Your husband should have stuck to the agreement you made, yes, but sometimes we are all at the mercy of the algorithm.

For the sake of your young marriage, consider this a modern-day hiccup rather than a sign of deeper trust issues. And have a conversation where you and your husband can clear the air so that your plans for future activities don’t keep dredging up this one thing. I hope you continue to enjoy doing everything together, even if that “everything” occasionally means rewatching an episode or two that one of you has already seen.

Dear Eric:

My brother-in-law lives in another state and we only see him once a year. He enjoys cooking and puts a lot of time and effort into preparing good meals for us. The problem is that I can’t eat as much as he thinks.

My husband and I eat two meals a day. His brother prepares three large meals a day for us. I’m a small person and I just can’t eat everything, so I take small portions of everything. And he constantly complains about how little I eat and I’m not allowed to eat more because I don’t like the food. The food is usually good and I always tell him that.

I don’t like going there because of this constant harassment. The last time we were there, he got so angry that I stopped eating that he raised his voice to criticize me. I was stunned. I told my husband I would never go back, but his brother is his only living close relative and he thinks I should just forget what happened. I know if I go back he will do the same because he has been doing it for 10 years. My husband never opposed him because he didn’t want to jeopardize their relationship.

– Full

Dear Fed Up:

Put your foot down and put down your fork. Your brother-in-law’s hospitality is a nice gesture that is completely ruined by his caustic behavior. How is someone supposed to enjoy their food if someone is yelling at them?

You are right not to want to expose yourself to this anymore. At first it seemed like your brother-in-law was an overly enthusiastic host who ran roughshod over his love of food and his concern for doing it right. But this behavior ultimately seems more controlling than anything else.

Make it clear to your husband that you cannot tolerate this behavior. You don’t have to just forget it. You don’t have to eat anything you don’t want, and that includes eating crow. If he really wants to return, he can talk to his brother about the terrible reactions. It sounds like the relationship between the brothers is also unhealthy, so your husband may have difficulty with this question, but it’s important. Of course, you can endure one unpleasant visit a year, but this goes beyond just grinning and bearing it.