The coach only cared about being thin. Now the focus is on health, not appearance.

• Personal trainer Sohee Carpenter hasn’t always had a healthy relationship with food and exercise.
• She was fixated on being slim at the expense of her health, but had come to reject diet culture.
• Carpenter believes in body neutrality and values ​​self-improvement and holistic health.

This essay is based on a conversation with Sohee Carpenter, a 34-year-old strength and conditioning coach with a BA in human biology and an MA in psychology from Orange County. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

When I first started exercising as a teenager, it was all about cardio. I did as much cardio and ate as little as possible.

Then, in 2008, I started lifting weights alongside cardio and learned about proteins and macronutrients. I ate more, but I still wasn’t healthy because my approach was so rigid. I was a compulsive athlete.

For many years my focus was on being as slim as possible.

But now I know that health-promoting behaviors can be pursued independently of body changes, weight and body composition.

My focus was on being small

I started coaching clients in 2012 but was rigid in my approach because that was all I had been taught.

Even in college, I tried to follow a strict meal plan that made no sense: I couldn’t eat a perfectly measured portion of chicken breast, broccoli, and almonds in my college dining hall. Sometimes I would eat 13 hard-boiled egg whites for lunch because I didn’t know how else to keep track of my macros.

I believed that the thinner you were, the healthier, happier and better you were. The message I spread was heavily influenced by diet culture, as that was the norm for people growing up in the ’80s and ’90s.

I was very, very focused on being small and staying small.

Over the years, I learned about flexible dieting and how I could hit my macros and still eat less nutritious foods, but I didn’t think about the quality of my diet. I never cared about my fiber intake, all that mattered was whether my body looked good.

I now prioritize health over aesthetics

Over the last few years, I have become increasingly aware of problematic messages in the fitness industry. For example, people say that obesity is a choice, a moral failing, the individual’s fault, or that it means you are lazy and less disciplined.

The coaching methods I learned earlier in my career were tied to weight stigma, and now I realize that approach doesn’t help people in the long run.

It may seem harmless to praise people for losing weight, but it can perpetuate long-term problems such as the irrational fear of gaining weight, which could lead people to resort to unhealthy behaviors to maintain their weight.

If you engage in unhealthy behavior to lose weight, that’s not healthy.

I don’t care what your body looks like. No matter what you look like, everyone deserves equal, non-stigmatizing access to health care and health-promoting behaviors.

I strive for “body neutrality”

A lot of people call me “body positive,” but actually I’m not. However, I am a huge proponent of body neutrality.

It’s not about loving every part of your body, but rather about being more neutral about your body and not focusing too much on parts you like and don’t like. It’s about your body becoming less of the focus of your life and taking up less of your mental bandwidth, because I think there are so many more interesting and important things you could be spending your energy on that are much more fulfilling.

Trying to love every part of your body is not only unrealistic, but it also wastes mental energy on your body. I’m not trying to denigrate body positivity, but it’s not for me and it wasn’t created for someone like me.

I love seeing more body diversity in fitness and health and I think there is room for success for everyone, regardless of their appearance.

I strive for self-improvement

I no longer focus on changing the way my body looks, but I still put in the effort and work out a lot.

I’ve always been a big proponent of continuous self-improvement in various areas of life, but when it comes to fitness, I love the idea that I can get fitter, faster and stronger as I get older.

I turn 35 this December and feel much healthier than I did in my 20s.

I started running again 13 months ago and it’s really cool to see me getting faster. This is the first time I’ve incorporated mobility work into my training and I appreciate the importance of quality time with my family and friends to my health.

I pay attention to my fiber intake and am really happy when there are lots of beans for dinner. I think about the quality and quantity of my sleep, all these things that were never a priority before. I now understand how they affect every aspect of life.

My motives for health-oriented behavior have matured. If you only ever care about aesthetics and that is your only motivation to eat and exercise a certain way, that to me is a very superficial and one-dimensional view.

I am grateful that I have learned what I have and can see multi-dimensional meaning behind what I do.

I love the idea of ​​working hard, challenging yourself and holding yourself to a high standard, while at the same time giving yourself a break when you need it and not being so hard on yourself. This is how I try to live my life.